Saturday, 19 November 2016

Handsworth Parramore 10 v Retford United 0 - NCEL Prem

Saturday 19th November 2016
Toolstation NCEL Premier Division
at the Windsor Foodservice Stadium, Sandy Lane, Worksop
Handsworth Parramore (6) 10
Simon Harrison 10, 73
Aaron Moxam 19, 23, 27, 79
Daniel Buttle 29
Alex Rippon 35
Jon Froggatt 59
Gareth Griffiths 64
Retford United (0) 0
Admission £5. Programme £1.50. Attendance 148
Photo gallery from this game click HERE
Hmm, today didn't pan out exactly as I'd planned, but hey ho!
After tucking into a 'two of everything' sized full English, I took to the road and headed for Chesterfield station, where I was catching the train to Birmingham for the Blues v Bristol City game at St. Andrews. Alas, my automobile never reached it's destination.
Screech! Bump! Kaput!
Nobody got hurt, apart from me that is, though things could have been a lot worse than a bit of concussion and a size eleven headache... but I was already on the lookout for a new car any time soon anyway, so farewell you piece of Hyundai crap; I never actually liked you very much.
I'm indebted to Mr David Wathall for rescuing me, transport wise, in  my hour of need and also to Stags U18's caped sidekick, for offering to detour via Retford to Field Mill this afternoon from Leicester, to see the start of the Steve Evans revolution, but I had to politely decline, because there was no guarantee that we would have made kick off, or even  the first half, as my hunk of scrap was still laid dying on a slip road onto the A1 when the offer was made.
Cheers mi' dears!
First things first. I'll try to find something positive to say on behalf of all of my friends who are associated with Retford United. 
Hmm, how about: hey you guys! No real harm done, because the other four teams in the bottom five lost today too. Or, how about... Oh well! You can't really expect to win every time you visit Sandy Lane, like you did against that other team who play here when you visited earlier in the season. 
I'm struggling to think of anything else to be perfectly honest, because when all is said and done, there is no real reason for me to actually write very much about this one sided encounter at all, because the final result tells the whole lock, stock and two smoking barrels story of what went on out on the pitch in this complete mismatch of a game.
But I know how you both like me to rabbit on a bit, so here goes...
From  the outset it was clear that it would only be a matter of time until the Ambers took the lead... and from then on in a lottery as to how many times they would find net, as they asserted their authority on the game with a vice like grip, even though they were without their prolific front man today; the Ginger Pele himself, Kieran Wells. 
But Jon Froggatt and Aaron  Moxam proved to be a very effective double edged sword in attack on the day, tearing away at the fabric that was supposed to hold the Badgers defence together, whilst Danny Buttle effectively dismantled them all over the final third. 
Buttle's absence has coincided with a run of indifferent results for the Ambers, but they certainly kick started their season today and have a mouthwatering prospect of a game coming up on Tuesday night, when title favourites Cleethorpes Town visit the Windsor Foodservice Stadium, pretty much as they seem to do every other midweek!
It took ten whole minutes before Handsworth struck the first blow, with Simon Harrison firing the home side in front from the edge of the six  yard box, but nineteen minutes later, United were effectively dead and buried and looking at embarking on a damage limitation and salvage mission, as they slid uncontrollably towards a five goal deficit.
In between the first and second goal, the Badgers number two Ben Wyld, who'd been one of their best players in last weeks scrappy win v Maltby Main, limped out of the game and was replaced by Sam Tully.
Danny Buttle pushed forward down the left flank and crossed (remember this one Retford, it might become a regular occurrence later in the game) and Aaron Moxam directed a header beyond the reach of Sam Jepson, who must have been beginning to wonder if some of his team mates wanted him to play against Parramore on his own.
Froggatt netted again, but his effort was ruled out after he had wandered offside.
From  then on in, the flow of goals was akin to that thing that happens to a male bladder on a hefty all night drinking session. No, not the Chino splash-back, but that scientifically proven phenomena that once the seal is broken, time after time, with embarrassing frequency, whoosh! The trickle will become a gushing flood.
Aaron Moxam advanced towards the Retford goal through the left channel and his delivery into the area deflected over Jepson via a deflection off of both Keith Melvin then James Warwick-Adkins.
The Retford keeper must now have been wondering if some of his team mates wanted him to play against Parramore and them on his own.
Jon Froggatt muscled past Keith Melvin and knocked a square pass across the visitors area for Moxam to secure his hat trick, if he's being given the deflected one, in the space of just eight minutes.
On 29 minutes, the visitors defence went off to play a game of hide and seek while Jepson had to race out of his area to take on Moxam, who nudged the ball past him before unselfishly passing to Buttle who took a few moments off from destroying the visitors down the left flank to bag a goal for himself.
"Get warmed up at half time Sam, you're playing up front on your own in  the second half as well", shouted a disgruntled Retfordian.
Buttle turned creator for Handsworth's sixth goal, when he delivered a right wing free kick invitingly towards Alex Rippon, who got across Jepson and above a static defence to power a header into the roof of the net. If you're losing count at this juncture, that's six-nil after 35 minutes.
Rippon almost helped himself to another goal moments later but shot over from twelve yards.
The home sides defence had gone for a walk around PC World to alleviate the boredom caused by their inactivity, when the Badgers mounted a rare attack and Niall Sultan put the ball into the back of the Ambers net from an offside position, so it didn't count, but it was hardly likely to signal a Retford comeback anyway.
The visitors kept trying to play football, but the absolute gulf in class really told today. I doubt if there was a single substitute on the Handsworth bench today who wouldn't have walked straight into the Badgers starting line up.
Simon Harrison saw off the attentions of two Retford players on the right and put a cross in to Buttle, whose first shot was blocked while his second off of the rebound, deflected wide off of Tully.
Melvin, the Badgers captain, miscued a clearance that doubled up as a pass to Buttle, but Jepson did well to save the wingers angled shot, on the stroke of half time.
HT: Handsworth Parramore 6 v Retford United 0
Synopsis thus far by a Retford supporter I was stood near: "They don't just look like a f***ing Sunday league team in that kit, they're playing like one!" 
His mate replied "Hang on, there's no need to be insulting Sunday league teams, that's a harsh comparison"
Them long suffering natives are getting restless me thinks. 
Moxam attempted an audacious lob over Jepson inside the opening minute of the first half, but the Retford keeper plucked the ball out of the air.
Dillan O'Conner was on hand to thump the ball out of play from yet another Buttle cross from out on the left towards Moxam and Froggatt.
Froggatt ran into the Badgers area and was tripped, it was as blatant a penalty as you'll ever see, but I think the match referee took pity on the visitors as he waved play on. Maybe his pencil needing sharpening after writing so many goal scorers names in his book.
You know who's left wing corner found it's way through to Harrison, who drilled the ball inches wide of the right hand upright.
That man Buttle popped up out of nowhere again, this time on the right, he lofted a pass towards Ryan Lee who couldn't quite get his head to the ball as Jepson pushed it away, but Froggatt pounced and finally scored the goal that his performance deserved just before the hour mark.
Not even the introduction of Luke Walker from the Retford bench was going to save the day for the visitors now.
Buttle, who seemingly had a ball of his own to play with all afternoon, picked up a pass from Tom Claisse, who eased his way seamlessly back into the Parramore team today after his recent 'hiatus', and  crossed to Froggatt, but Tully got his head to the ball first and the visitors got a temporary reprieve... very temporary as it happens, because when Jepson did well to beat out Moxam's twelve yard shot, the Parras centre half, Gaz Griffiths, was on hand to make it eight-nil.
With a queue of Retford players chasing Buttle around, in a manner becoming of half a dozen scantily clad French maids pursuing Benny Hill in a comedy sketch (the accompanying music score that Mr Hill employed, that you will all be familiar with is called: 'Yakety Sax' and was jointly composed by James Q. Rich and Boots Randolph in 1963... I felt that you needed to know this), the live-wire wide man delivered approximately his 112th telling cross of the afternoon and as Jepson punched the ball away Simon Harrison connected with an absolute pile driver of a shot and scored Handsworth's ninth goal.
Daniel Buttle Esq. stroked a pass into the path of Stuart Ludlam as he advanced into the right hand side of the visitors box, he in turn delivered the ball to Moxam at the near post, who with his back to goal, turned and directed the ball just inside Jepson's right hand post.
The Badgers goalmouth was a scene of goalmouth scrambles and near misses in the closing stages, but Handsworth went eleven minutes without scoring.
FT: Handsworth Parramore 10 v Retford United 0
Retford will have been mightily relieved to hear the full time whistle and can  now look forward to the visit of Pickering Town to Cannon Park on Tuesday night, who currently sit two places above today's victors Handsworth Parramore in the league table. Oh heck!
The Ambers have a home game against the east coast Owls from Cleethorpes, before having to face the might of Maltby Main next Saturday, on the same day that free scoring Liversedge travel to Retford.
I don't think that I'm  being too cruel, when I say that I hope some of the Badgers players had paid their £5 admission fee today, to stand and  watch this game pass them by like it did.