Retford FC 5 v Retford United 0 - CMFL North

Wednesday 20th March 2019
Central Midlands League North
at the Rail Ground
Retford FC (3) 5
Will Tomlinson 1 pen, 43 pen, 58
Jack Johnson 30
Oli Bilham 85
Retford United (0) 0
Attendance: 706

As public humiliations go, this one was abjectly embarrassing stuff; as Retford United, a team with a reputation for splashing the cash this season, looked impoverished in extremes, as they were outclassed by their title-chasing neighbours.
The Choughs themselves, never actually seemed to get out of second gear for long spells... but in truth, they hardly really needed to, as they strolled comfortably to a victory, in a confident manner, against a visiting team, who at times, put up about as much token resistance as a split condom, which as it happens, is probably the most apt metaphor that could be applied (along with a generous application of ky jelly), on a night when they were royally shafted, and the balance of local football power (and pride), was truly been wrestled from the grasp of the Cannon Park club, who barely had even a tenuous hold on the bragging rights any more in the first place.

Retford United seldom seem to be very far away from finding yet another way of rubbing their long-suffering loyal fans noses in the brown sticky stuff, time and time again.
Some of those Badgers supporters left at half time, because they'd seen enough. But it could be argued that a number of their players (though not all of them) had failed to turn up at all, while others had thrown the towel in and accepted the inevitable long before anybody gave up the ghost and headed home, to avoid any further misery.

There must've been a power surge on social media, around 9:40PM, as people scurried en masse to delete their pre-match 'banter' about tonight's hosts being a 'pub side', who could expect to be on the wrong end of a thrashing from the town's real football team. 

Actions speak infinitely louder than words... and for their part, Retford FC maintained a dignified silence through it all, and did their talking out on the pitch instead. 

I stopped scribbling notes down long before the end of the game, because I'd realised quite early on that there was no need to write any kind of report in the aftermath of this one sided local derby, where the facts already spoke for themselves; as the home side scored five times without reply, including two penalties (the first of which was scored inside the opening minute), had another two goals disallowed and were unlucky not to be awarded a third penalty, when Adam Scott was upended in the visitors area early in the second half. I was the same distance away from the Choughs number seven as the referee, my good friend, the right honourable Wayne Gray... and all I have to say on the matter, is that: we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. A few Badgers supporters claimed that the awarding of their hosts second penalty was a harsh decision; but even if it was (and I would actually dispute that viewpoint), it was hardly a pivotal turning point, that had any kind of influence on the eventual outcome of the game.

Even before Retford had added their fifth goal, a local made a beeline for me and said: "The next time you see that John Radford" (Mr Radford in the chairman of Mansfield Town FC who has invested money in Retford United this season), "Ask him if one of his kids wanted a cowboy outfit for Christmas, because that's what he got with Retford United!"
And though I rebuked him with a reply suggesting that he himself was an expert on the subject of cowboys, on the evidence of the shoddy brickwork on that front wall he'd put up at my Grandma's house a few years ago, his slight on tonight's visitors, was wholly warranted on the strength (or lack of it) of tonight's showing.
I barely need to add to that, the best team won and cruised to victory, while they comfortably stroked the ball around, at the sort of relaxed pace that you'd usually see employed by a higher calibre team, going through the motions, in a warm up/practice match against 'Dog & Duck' opposition.

On the positive side for any United fans who were still present on the final whistle, tonight's no-show marked their final league fixture of the 2018-19 campaign and they can put this season of underachievement, that came in like a roaring lion, but went out like a bleating lamb, to bed earlier than usual.
Although they do still have a League Cup semi-final against Pinxton (at Collingham FC) to look forward to in May, the winner of which will play either Hucknall Town or Swanwick Pentrich Road in the final.
While Retford are well placed for a promotion push, with three games still remaining, they are just a solitary point behind the current league leaders Clay Cross Town (who they beat 4-1 a couple of weeks ago), with two games in hand. Their destiny is in their own hands... and good luck to them in their quest.

I suppose another plus point for the Badgers faithful, could be: if Retford FC win promotion, this first ever away derby against the Choughs, at the Rail Ground, might also be their last one for the foreseeable future too (unless tonight's home side need a team from a lower league to provide opposition for a pre-season friendly), so at least they'll be spared any further ignominy at this rapidly improving facility, for a while.
A lot of good people have fallen by the wayside over the years at Cannon Park, while Retford United have slid (plummeted?) towards the unsatisfactory position that they are currently in... and it's a recurring theme that's been repeated again, as recently as this season.
Tonight's reality slap is barely the kind of legacy that any of them, or those who still do so much behind the scenes at Cannon Park, deserve.

There were players among the Badgers ranks, who genuinely did give a f*ck and were obviously mortified by what happened out on the Rail Ground pitch tonight, and that select group, have my genuine sympathy to that end. But there were others whose only motivation for being here and going through the motions, seemed to be the pay packet waiting for them at the end of the game.
You can only hope that some of those envelopes also contained P45's and farewell cards, as well as their mercenary bounty.
In all honesty, I've got no axe to grind with either club, or any cause to champion, and I'm definitely not taking sides. But, though I take no pleasure whatsoever from being so scathing about a football team that play just along the road from my house, sometimes you just have to say it as you see you see it.

Putting things into some kind of perspective, this could be seen as a form team turning over opponents who were going through and end of season malaise, with 'nowt left to play for in the league, but symbolically, as Retford football goes, the outcome was far more significant than that, on so many different levels.

FT: Retford FC 5 v Retford United 0

For purposes of the record: Retford eased their way into a three goal lead before the interval, with two penalties from Will Tomlinson, at either end of the first half, book-ending Jack Johnson's strike around the half hour mark.

'Big Will', a bona-fide local football legend, who has turned out for both of these sides in his time, completely his hat-trick after the break and Oli Bilham added the fifth goal inside the final five minutes.

A future NCEL ground in the making? We'll know soon enough.