Retford Town v South Kirkby Colliery - Doncaster Senior League Premier Division

Saturday 3rd April 2010.
Doncaster & District Senior League - Premier Division.
at Bolham Sports Ground, Retford

Retford Town (2) 8
(Garner, House 2, Russell, Turner, Woodward 3)
South Kirkby Colliery (0) 0

Admission Free, Programme £1

Meanwhile in the Doncaster & District Senior League ...
On arrival at Bolham Sports Ground (that's the old Electricity Board Club for those of you who haven't ventured over this side of town for the last couple of decades), the Retford players were out on the pitch going through their warm up routines, loosening up in preparation for their meeting with South Kirkby Colliery.
Town currently stand 13 points behind the league leaders Swinton Station Athletic but have 8 games in hand to try and bridge that gap, maybe a tall order given how thick and fast the games are going to be racking up between now and the end of the season, but on the evidence of today's performance they're obviously going to give it a go.

No man is an island, but some men are approximately the same size as one.

After ten minutes Garner found himself unmarked and in plenty of space in a one on one shoot out with the South Kirkby keeper. The latter stayed rooted to his line and Retford were ahead through the simplest of chances.
On 21 minutes the Retford captain 'Woody' Woodward weighed up a free kick from well outside the box (pictured below) and spotted the keepers positional awareness wasn't great again. He lofted the direct free kick over the wall and just out of reach of the diminutive shot stopper into the roof of the net.

There were no further goals in the first half, but at least the visitors managed to put a few passes together and create the illusion that they might be on the verge of making a game of it.
The South Kirkby Colliery captain bellowed out "The work rate at the moment is pants! We're only losing to two sloppy goals"
Hmm, I've never heard a twenty five yard direct free kick called a sloppy goal before, but there you go.
At half time, the Colliery lads were kept out on the pitch and given an inspirational team talk by their leader of Churchillian proportions ...

We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France,
we shall fight on the seas and oceans,
we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be,
we shall fight them on the beaches,

we shall fight on the landing grounds,
we shall fight in the fields and in the streets,
we shall fight in the hills;
we shall never surrender, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Island or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our Empire beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the British Fleet, would carry on the struggle, until, in God's good time, the New World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the old."

Well, what he actually said was "C'mon! We're still in this, we finished the half well, we're not out of this, keep it going", but he said it with no small amount of conviction and gusto.

The state of the art medical facilities at the Bolham Ground are
really useful if you've had a bad knock on the ankle.
No mate, it won't really get posted on the internet ;-)

So the visitors started the second half like a D-Day invasion, but just as they were awaiting aerial back up, their keeper made a mess of dealing with a corner and Dan House fired Retford Town three ahead from close range. And within five minutes Dan had scored a fourth too.
The home side obviously hadn't read the Normandy script, but had seen the size of Swinton Station Athletic's goal difference instead.
Mike Russell fired home a fifth and the Town manager Brian Jackson decided it was time to make a few substitutions to rest a couple of players for the gruelling run in to the season that awaits them.
Dan House was heard to complain "But I could've had an hat trick" ... and he probably would have too.

At 5-0 down the visiting supporters began getting restless and started
causing damage to seated section of Stad de la Bolham.

Retford's substitute, number 14 Turner, scuffed home a shot from the edge of the box for the sixth goal. You could argue that the slightly miss hit ball bobbling along the ground deceived the goal keeper and prevented him making a save. You could also say that the lad might be better off trying an outfield position in future instead, because it was painful watching him have to fetch the ball out of his net so frequently.
Possibly he is usually very proficient and he's earned that Number 1 jersey for himself over the season by consistently showing outstanding agility and reflexes, but today, well to be frank, he was crap!
On 82 minutes Woodward scored the seventh from a similar range to the previous goal and with just minutes remaining Retford were awarded a penalty.
Of course if Dan House was still on the pitch he would have taken it and bagged himself an hat trick, but he wasn't, so Woodward stepped up and claimed on for himself instead.
Full time Retford Town 8 South Kirkby Colliery 0

Other results at the top of the table:
Swinton Station Athletic 1 v Edlington Town 0
Yorkshire Main 2 v Rossington Main 2

Top Seven (Played, Points, Goal Difference)
Swinton Station Athletic 25, 49 +30
Rossington Main 23, 40 +9
Mexborough Pocket 19, 37 +12
Retford Town 17, 36 +26
Edlington Town 18, 36 +21
Hemsworth Alpha 'A' 20, 36 +16
FC Thorne Town 21, 34 +14

On Bank Holiday Monday Retford Town are away at Bawtry Town, kick off is at 2.30pm

In response to the person who shall remain nameless (Hi Frickley John!) who texted me to say "Your blog is all about football mate, you need a bit of lesbo porn and a few juicy dykes on there to liven it up!!!" ... will this suffice?