Ladies and Gentlemen of a Caledonian persuasion.
I am writing to enquire about your collective phone tariff arrangements and a couple of football/music related matters.
Most mobile phone companies offer unlimited free text messages to customers, whether they're using either pay and go or contract handsets, but it would seem you have all run out of credit to send 'hilarious' missives at the current time.
Or maybe the entire country of Scotland isn't getting very good telephone signal reception coverage today.
Or is their some other reason why I received 64 messages originating from Bonnie Scotland on the night of Friday 18th June and not a single one for the last 26 hours?
I still think either Argentina will win the World Cup, but my mid table mediocrity placing on the Worksop Town fans forum prediction league shows how little I know.
And as for England (and Scotland) well, you've got to be in it to ... err, be in it.
Furthermore, for the benefit of the very angry (and well balanced, he has a chip on both shoulders) Scottish individual who rang me yesterday lunchtime to say "All you Ingerlish cants think yous are gonna win it, yous always do! You're shite and your duds'll be on the plane home tonight".
Hmm, who said we do?
Nobody I've spoken to during the World Cup thinks that at all and the majority of those people are English.
Apart from me how many people from England have you actually 'consulted' regarding this matter?
To counter that ridiculous and unsubstantiated claim ... only a deluded fool would write a song about actually bringing that World Cup back from over tha' when in all likeliness his team hasn't got an earthly chance.
And despite his accent and place of birth this one actually claims to be a true Scot.
You are welcome to him lads n' lassies.
Did Rod the Mod really release 'I Was Only Joking' as the follow up to this pish?
He wasn't the only one claiming Scotland were going to win it though was he?
Mind you, as the song goes "England cannae do it 'cos they didnae qualify" ... but at least now we have, we aren't making ambiguous claims, despite what your fertile imagination and the Daily Record is telling you.
Please ignore certain TV pundits to that end ... we do!
This year England are in the World Cup finals and Scotland aren't.
Please get over it and focus your bitterness and anger elsewhere, you are making yourselves look very silly right now.
Which is a real shame because you're all usually bloody awesome people until my national football team qualifies for a major tournament and yours disnae.
Archie Gemmill's fantastic goal against Holland is still one of my all time favourite football memories, we all jumped out of our seats and cheered that one. That's we, 'the fucking Ingerlish' you sing a racist song about hating.
Fact ... the English are a race, hating a race and expressing disgust towards any race is racist, so don't try dressing that up any other way (yes, I know there are English racists too).
So how many of you were pleased to see Defoe's goal go in last night then?
Don't all send me a text confirmation at once!